


I made out with Ronald McDonald because my cat's an asshole

by ArisuAmiChan



Series: Ronald McDonald [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Convenience Store, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cats, M/M, Pets, Trans Ichigo, Trans Male Character, and trying to kill urahara bc urahara, both have pets and are fuckin dumb, just them fighting over their cats, literally they are a mess, there isn't even any flirting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24241126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArisuAmiChan/pseuds/ArisuAmiChan
Summary: Grimmjow has a cat. Ichigo finds & adopts it to be the mascot of the convenience store he works in. Neither is happy except the damn cat. Or in this case, cats. Fuck his life.
Relationships: GrimmIchi, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kurosaki Ichigo
Series: Ronald McDonald [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1822336
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

“Where the _fuck_ is that goddamn cat?!” Blue eyes were narrowed in an angry glare as he searched high and low for his goddamn stupid _bastard_ cat, his voice a low snarl in his throat. “Fucking thing’s usually home by now...” 

He rattled the treat bag in his hand, hoping to draw his lazy pet out of hiding. “Come _on_ , Mac! It’s dinner time!” 

Grimmjow _almost_ walked past the little corner convenience store down the road from his home in his search for his cat, but something bright drew his attention to the counter within. 

Orange hair was the first thing he noticed. The next thing Grimmjow saw was his fast-asleep fatass cat on the counter- being _stroked_ by the clerk. 

He shouldered the door open to the shop and sneered as the attached bell rang loudly, clerk shouting a (begrudging) greeting from over the bags of cookies, chips, and packs of toilet paper. 

Grimmjow went to the cooler and ripped the door open, ignoring the man in the back loading drinks up as he grabs his favorite can of beverage and walks to the front, door banging shut behind him. 

He slammed it on the counter before the young man and studied the cat on the counter, scooping the fat tom up into his arms. 

“Total’s two-- Put him _down_ , asshole. You _can’t_ keep him, how many times do I have to tell you people.” The clerk’s glaring fiercely, and Grimmjow returns it with just as much heat and venom. 

“Fuck you, he’s _my_ cat. Big Mac’s a lazy fucker, but he’s _my_ lazy fucker!” Grimmjow scratches Mac under the chin and sneers as Ichigo’s glare (as per his name tag) grows darker. 

Ichigo sneered right back, hands laying flat on the counter so he could lean forward. “You leave our mascot alone, asshole, and take your shit.” 

“Check the collar, moron! His name is Mac and he belongs to _me!”_ Grimmjow showed off the dog tag on the collar, Ichigo squinting to read and glaring at the name. 

_Owner: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez_

Ichigo immediately noticed that asshole-dude lived in the same apartment complex as he did, and absently wondered why he’d never seen the guy before, (he didn’t exactly seem forgettable,) and when he finally returned his focus to the current issue it was to see a bill on the counter, a missing drink, a missing cat, and missing somewhat pissed cat-owner who was half way past the front window. “Motherfucker!” 

So he dove out from behind the counter and chased Grimmjow down, snarling in anger when he finally caught up. “Give him _back,_ asshole! He’s our cat now!” 

Grimmjow freezes in place and glares over his shoulder. “No. Big Mac’s an outdoor cat, not a _working cat_.” 

“Did you _seriously_ name your cat after a fast food staple?” Ichigo asked, frowning at both pet and owner. The grin he got made his knees a little weak and Ichigo really couldn’t help but glare when he noticed the asshole’s _dimple_. Of course such a rude bastard would have dimples. 

“His name is Macaroni and if you’ll excuse us, we have to go home to leash train.” Grimmjow didn’t get very far, considering Ichigo dove in front of him to block his path. “What the fuck?!” 

“My cat’s named Cheese. Now, let Macaroni come back to work. You can pick him up at six when his shift ends. He still has shit to do.” The clerk looks amused about the coincidence, for all of two seconds before his face lapses back into a firm scowl. Grimmjow stares.

Hell no, Macaroni was _not_ going back! 

“Take _Cheese_ in then! Fucker, leave my cat alone!” Almost as if he saw his chance, said cat promptly managed to wiggle his way out of Grimmjow’s arms and dive into Ichigo’s, who looked rather smug about it as he cradled the ginger tabby to his chest. His hair and the cat’s fur almost look the same colour in the dull sunlight.

“Don’t care. You can pick Macaroni up at six, like I said. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go back to work.” And with that said, Ichigo marched off with Macaroni in his arms purring like a newly purchased motor boat. 

Grimmjow stares at his empty arms, then back at the clerk fucking _strutting_ away with _his_ cat. He _would_ get his cat back, one way or another because that fucking asshole _wasn’t_ about to keep him for some shitty corner store down the road from his apartment. This is _war._


	2. Chapter 2

Grimmjow returned at six (exactly six, he checked his phone,) and picked up his cat, scowling the entire time as he left. Fuckers didn’t even deserve Mac’s  _ company _ , let alone his business.

He kept the tabby in his apartment but of course, he yowled and made enough noise that Grimmjow had to let him free before leaving for work a few days after getting him back.

And when he got home, Mac wasn’t even there at the door. War wasn’t pretty nor was his rage, so off to the market he went to fetch his pet. Again.

Once inside, he ignored the unfriendly greeting Ichigo muttered at him and went to the cooler, snatched out his favorite drink and slammed it once more on the counter in front of the young man. “Give me my fucking cat.”

And speaking of Macaroni, he was sitting there cleaning himself and looking rather pleased to be back. “Suck my ass. You can’t have him.”

Ichigo rang up the drink and while he was distracted with grabbing Grimmjow’s change, the larger man grabbed the tabby right off the counter and walked out.

Ichigo growled and chased after him once more, unhappy about the snatch and grab. “Grimmjow, he’s still on the clock, too! Unlike  _ you _ .”

“You wanna say that again to my face?” His voice was a low warning but Ichigo only stood his ground.

“He’s a hard working citizen and is being paid for his duties! Now give him back!”

“Paid?! With what? Unlimited dry food?” He watched Ichigo reach into the pocket of his apron and produce a bag of treats, shaking it. Macaroni jumped from one set of arms to another and began to purr again.

“Traitor!” Grimmjow snapped, glaring at the animal. The cat only rumbled louder when Ichigo started to scratch behind his ears. “It’s why you’re so fat!”

Ichigo gasped, horrified, and began to croon softly to Macaroni. “He didn’t mean it, buddy! You’re safe here with us, I promise!”

Grimmjow didn’t even bother acknowledging that, instead taking a moment to dig in his pocket and pull out a bit of salmon jerky he had made. Macaroni used Ichigo’s chest as a springboard, and found his way back into his owner’s arms to start gnawing on the dried fish.

“I stayed late at work just in case you tried to make him stay again, too. See ya never, Ichigo!” Ichigo watched him leave with the cat before going back to the shop, a deep scowl carved into his face. Jerk.

His manager -Kisuke Urahara- was at the counter, petting Cheese. “How’d it go?”

Ichigo shrugged. “He took his cat back. He needs to keep him inside, it’s going to get hit by a car or something at this rate.”

“But that would make you a hypocrite considering you’ve brought Cheese to work with you!” Urahara said, hiding his grin behind the paper fan he held. Ichigo still didn’t understand why he needed it, but whatever. Kisuke was already weird to begin with.

“Yeah, but Cheese stays here in the building. Doesn’t gallivant around the streets like that pompous asshole that had no control over his pet.” Ichigo picked up his cat and huffed at the weight. “Damn, you’re getting chunky, buddy! Gotta watch what you’re eating.”

Ichigo carried the cat to the break room to gather his belongings for the walk home, hefting his cat in his arms. “Alright, Cheese. Let’s...”

He frowned at the furry head before him, trying to figure out why Cheese wasn’t responding to his name. “You feeling okay, bud?”

The cat gave a slow blink before rolling free from Ichigo’s arms and laying belly up on the table. It was at that point that Ichigo noticed the color of the collar was wrong. Cheese wore a blue nekoichi collar with fish charm and bell, not solid yellow.

He approached the table and began to stroke the offered belly, cat purring happily again. “Macaroni...?”

The cat’s head popped up, eyes on Ichigo as he cursed loudly. “Son of a--”

At Grimmjow's apartment, it would be two days before he noticed anything different about his cat. And that was only because the little asshole had a case of the zoomies at five in the morning and broke several dishes in his kitchen.

The shattering sound of porcelain and glass woke him, Grimmjow stumbling blindly out of his bedroom to curse the feline. Stepping over the mess, he scooped the creature into his arms and brought him back to bed. “C’mon, Shitlord. Bed time.”

Grimmjow settled in bed and replaced the much lighter Macaroni on the covers. The cat kneaded the blankets, circled a few times and settled right behind his ass.

He bolted upright, staring at the dark shape on his bed. Macaroni usually slept on whichever hip he had facing up or on his chest if he laid on his back. (He’d been woken by hair balls before, not that it mattered.) The cat weighed at least thirteen pounds, whereas this one felt like about nine or ten.

“MOTHER OF--” He howled to himself, only shutting up when he remembered the neighbors, the cat still asleep beside him. It really  _ wasn’t _ his goddamn cat!! Shit was going  _ down _ when he got back to that stupid shop during the day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy GrimmIchi Day! Ahhh~~ So much beautiful content today I don't know what to do with myself!
> 
> Literal shout outs to everybody right now. All of you. Including sayhitoforever, Saramir9, MaethoMixup, rapturish, LunarCatNinja fore their support and encouragement! Ahhhhh~ Is this what they mean by blessed? I feel v blessed this day omgomg! Ahhhhhhh!
> 
> Hi, join our discord cause we're one weird ass fam y'all: https://discord.gg/VvgTMj It's a trip so buckle up, bbies.


	3. Chapter 3

Grimmjow realized as he walked to the fucking corner store the next morning that it was probably Karma for something he had done in a past life.

Whatever he had done -good or bad- he didn’t deserve to have his  _ fucking cat _ kept by that stupid cheese puff looking cashier.

Macaroni had been a stray feral thing when Grimmjow found him in an empty box in an alley a few years ago. The poor cat was the size of his palm and now? He was a furry fatass. And his best friend, so it  _ sucked _ that he was forced to go do a trade for his cat.

The cat under his arm mrrow’d at him and Grimmjow hefted it to his chest. “How the hell do you two look so alike? Gotta be twins…”

Checking the collar, he made note that the animal was named Cheese, and vaguely remembered Ichigo saying something to that effect the first time they'd met. He'd been too busy being angry to really listen.  _ Macaroni and Cheese _ . The irony was not lost on him.

Shoving the thought aside, Grimmjow shouldered his way into the store where a customer was already being rung up by Ichigo and Mac was being stroked by him.

Attention whore. 

He made his way to the counter and set Cheese down, ignoring the customer he had hip-checked out of the way. “Give me Macaroni because this sure as hell ain’t him.”

Brown eyes lit up at the sight of the cat before narrowing in a glare at him. “No shit, it’s not him. You didn’t bother to check the collars yesterday when you scooped him up!”

Ichigo’s finger jabbed at the total button on the screen and the cash drawer opened so he could pass the change off. The young woman left with a scowl and glare to Grimmjow, to which he flipped her off.

“This fucker.” Grimmjow set his hand on Cheese’s head with a surprising amount of care before continuing. “Broke a bunch of my dishes last night. You owe me some new ones, jerk off.”

Ichigo didn’t even bat an eye before beaming at his pet. “Good boy! Breaking the bad man’s things!” He continued to coo in that annoying baby voice before finally pointing. “Aisle four has more, just so you know.”

“Who the hell sells actual dishes ‘n shit in a convenience store?!” Grimmjow grumbles, and proceeds to complain under his breath the entire time, bringing a box of white ceramic plates up to the front to pay for.

Grimmjow made sure to pick up Macaroni this time but Ichigo stopped him before he could leave with a tight grip on his wrist. “He’s still on the clock, now leave him here.”

And Ichigo would swear as the day is long when he retold the story later that night to his sisters that Grimmjow actually  _ hissed _ like an angry cat. 

Both pets twisted to face the noise, hackles up, and Ichigo only rolled his eyes before pulling Macaroni free from his owner’s arms. “Like I said before: he’s a working class citizen being paid for his duties. You can pick him up at six again.”

“I want him  _ now _ !” Grimmjow snapped, rage filling his gaze. Ichigo couldn’t help but make a small note that Grimmjow was sort-of-kind-of hot when he was angry. Only a little, though.

Kisuke came out of the cooler with his fan in front of his face and eyes wide. “What seems to be the problem?”

“The usual, Urahara.” Ichigo drawled, leaning against the counter and returning his gaze to Grimmjow. “Six. No later, jerk off.”

Another hiss and Grimmjow stormed out of the store, hands jammed deep in his pockets as he left.

Nobody denied Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. He’d raise  _ hell  _ the next time this happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao now I know how it feels to be held at metaphorical gunpoint for an update. Happy days, the gremlin has updated! No but jokes aside work has been a bitch and I hate it. Mac and Cheese are fixed right Moth because if they went into heat at Grimmjow's there'd be issues. Like, a lot of issues.
> 
> Look, Kisuke is that weirdo who runs a convenience store with _everything_ (including regular old dishes) in it and you can pry this headcanon from my cold dead fingers.


	4. Chapter 4

And so, the cycle continued. Grimmjow would leave for work and let Mac free roam until he got home to pick him up at six from Ichigo. 

Sometimes it’d be Cheese wearing Mac’s collar and he’d have a mess of broken dishes to clean up the next morning because Urahara seemed to enjoy torturing him.

Was it annoying? Yes. Was he growing fond of Cheese even though Ichigo practically  _ encouraged _ him to ruin his house? Also yes.

Grimmjow always aired his woes to his friend and co-worker Nelliel, who just shook her head every time.

“Why don’t you two just go on a date already? It’s clear that Mac and Cheese like each other; even their  _ names  _ say that they're cat-soulmates or whatever.” Nel said, grabbing a box off the pallet they were working. Grimmjow sneered and punched a chip box open, ripping the cardboard flap off.

“Just ‘cause our cats like each other doesn’t mean we like each other.” He muttered, setting the box in place on the ones below.

Hazel eyes rolled. “He’s cute and is a cat person, I don’t see the problem. And from what you say, he’s got a nice butt too.”

“Yeah, but he’s an asshole for stealing my cat!” He snapped, a woman with a shopping cart walking past and scowling at him.

_ “Nel, register.”  _ Came over the headset, Nel sighing softly as she set aside her box. 

“If you didn’t let Macaroni free roam, this wouldn’t even be an issue Grimmjow!” She snapped over her shoulder, headed to the front to help the caller with the line. She was right. Grimmjow sort of hated it. 

It wouldn’t change shit, though. They'd had this conversation too many times before. The cat had a mind of its own, no matter how many times he had attempted to train him to be an inside animal.

“Feral little shit. Always wants to run around like a jackass.” He murmured, shaking his head. And that stupid tangerine cashier didn’t help anything, either! Grimmjow growled, startling a customer nearby as he slammed a box into place. They scurried away quickly, leaving Grimmjow to work until Nel returned.

She started the conversation up again without hesitation. “I know Mac’s not willing to stay inside but you have to force the issue with him. You’re the owner, after all. Not him.”

“Just because I bring my cat to Pesche’s office doesn’t mean you get the right to critique my ownership.”

She only shook her head and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. “When the first thing out of your mouth for the past two months every time we see each other is ‘that butthole stole my dang cat again, Nelliel! I’ll kill ‘im,’ I have every right to critique your ownership.”

If they were anywhere in the back of the store she would’ve cursed normally, but the customers around them wouldn’t enjoy it if she did so. Grimmjow opened his mouth with a finger raised to disprove her point but really couldn’t find anything to refute her statement.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She had such a smug look on her face when she said it, too. Wench.

* * *

“I’m  _ not _ going on a date with him, you two! He’s an asshole!” Ichigo snapped, Urahara and Yoruichi were both working that day, which meant he was the prime source of amusement for them. So they'd decided to start harassing him about 'needing to go out with Grimmjow'. 

“It’s meant to be! Your cats are Macaroni and Cheese, Ichigo!” Urahara’s eyes were wide with false innocence as he peered out from behind his fan.

Yoruichi -damn her to hell, honestly- nodded along in agreement. “He’s right. That’s some soulmate stuff right there, Ichigo. It’s literally destiny.”

Ichigo scoffed, utter disbelief painted across his features and a wad of cash in one hand as he  _ tried  _ (and failed, too distracted) to count the till. "Hell no. I'm gay, not tasteless. He threatened to throw me into traffic yesterday! And then he took Cheese  _ again  _ and wouldn't listen when I told him it was the wrong damn cat!" 

Ichigo shook his head and turned to said ginger cat, where he lay sprawled out beside Mac in an empty spot on the counter. "I can't imagine what kind of torture he inflicts on you, Cheese. I'm proud of you for causing chaos in his home."

“From what I hear from in the cooler, Cheese is actually well fed! Grimmjow’s considering giving you his recipe for the jerky he makes for Macaroni.” Urahara leaned forward and pet both cats,  _ Mister _ Yoruichi being scooped up by his owner off the floor.

The bell over the door rang and revealed a very annoyed looking Grimmjow. They all looked at the clock and yup, it was already six sharp. Where did the time go?

They watched him stomp to the cooler, heard cans shift and clank together before watching him come to the register. He had two cans this time instead of one. “...”

Ichigo arched a brow and waited several moments before finally, Grimmjow spoke. His face was a soured expression, like he sucked on a salted lemon. “Can I  _ please _ have Mac back?”

Color him shocked, but Ichigo never expected to hear the word ‘please’ leave Grimmjow’s mouth. Or such a normal conversational tone that wasn’t laced with anger. “Uhhh… Yeah, go ahead. He’s good until tomorrow, okay?”

Thank god Kisuke was ringing on the other till today.

Cat and drinks safely in his arms, Grimmjow left the premises as Yoruichi stroked her own cat like a bad super villain. One look told Ichigo he didn’t want to linger for much longer in case she was planning something. Which wouldn’t end well for anybody involved.

Ichigo quickly finished his count and left with Cheese tucked under his arm, already catching up with Grimmjow. He settled his gait to match the taller’s and neither said anything until they got back to their apartment complex.

“I think they’re from the same litter. I was reading online that it’s pretty rare, but cats  _ can _ become twins.” Ichigo hoped it was casual and Grimmjow would actually talk. 

He snuck a look at his face and Grimmjow looked like he was thinking about it. Then his head twisted around and they made eye contact. “Never knew that before.”

Ichigo turned away and punched the button for the elevator, suddenly shy. “How’d you say you got Macaroni, anyway?”

“Didn’t.” Grimmjow stepped inside the car when the doors opened, Ichigo following him. “Found him as a stray a couple years ago, around the time I moved in. He looked like the runt and was just left there in the box. Nobody wanted him. Then I stumbled upon him and here we are.”

When Ichigo looked, it was to see that stupid dimpled grin. He was weak for that grin and knew it. “Cheese was a gift from a friend. They didn’t want me to move in by myself and they brought them over. Never really said if they were a stray or not… So I don’t know if Cheese is even from a shelter. He’s cool, though.”

And Ichigo shrugged like he was talking about a friend instead of his pet. When he thought about it, Cheese really was a friend. A four-legged furry little demon friend that tried to kill him on the way to the bathroom once, but a friend nevertheless.

“Macaroni fusses up a storm if he doesn’t get to go out. Actually trying to leash train him. It’s cool to walk a cat around the city. People wonder how you do it and they’ll watch like it’s a dog or something. It’s not hard, though. Just have to persevere and it’ll get done.” Grimmjow had a look of pride about it as he spoke about it, and Ichigo would honestly love to see that. Fat cat waddling on a lead. Sounds hilarious.

Instead, they settled in for the ride to their respective floors. The elevator arrived at Ichigo's with little further conversation and he disembarked. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

All he got was a grunted “I guess.” The doors shut after that and he lingered to watch which floor it’d stop on. Ichigo was only on the third floor, so he was surprised when it stopped on the sixth. Three floors above him and he never saw him until two months ago. Go figure. Cheese nipped at his fingers and he turned on his heel to enter his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back story to how they got their cats and Kisuke & Yoruichi trying to convince Ichigo to go on a date with Grimmjow even if he's an ass. A hot ass, more like lol. Nel being logical also bc Nel.

**Author's Note:**

> Like every good story, it starts with “we were talking and...”
> 
> No but title was a writing prompt from one of those birthday/shirt color generators and well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯. I love Macaroni srsly little asshole, I swear.
> 
> Mothwood is amazing and I love Trans!Ichigo, he is my new child along side Mac and I will protect them both. But Mothwood did help beta this into something better so thank you sososososo much! You are a beautiful soul and make my days so much brighter with all the laughter and beautiful Pikachu pictures!


End file.
